What to say when you don’t know what to say? My sleep hasn’t been great this week and I’m not sure why unless it’s worry about the busyness of going back to work. Classes will actually be starting back before the gyms open as groups can meet outdoors from the end of March (versus mid-April). I am looking forward to it but I know it will be exhausting for at least the first couple of weeks. Then I guess things will settle back into a routine which I’m guessing will more or less the same as it was in December.
There have been posts on Twitter this week about ‘this time last year we had no idea what was coming’ etc. and that’s prompted some reflection about how things were for me. I remember feeling so stuck, in lots of ways, and not knowing what to do or how to change that. And then, well, pandemic life happened. Now, about to go back out of lockdown and the possibility of another big months long interruption to normal play seeming unlikely, I’m not sure if I’m still in the same place I was before or not. There have been timetable changes along the way but essentially I’ll be doing the same as I was before. I feel as though I’ve been through a lot and worked really hard emotionally, internally, but there isn’t much to show for it externally. Maybe that doesn’t even matter. I’m probably being too hard on myself. Gratitude for what I have been able to do that wouldn’t have happened without all the lockdowns is absolutely the overwhelming feeling. And I’ve been so lucky that I’ve had more easy days than hard. I guess I’m just worried that things will just end up feeling hard and stuck again.
It’s easier to get excited about the small things. Blossoms seem to be multiplying every day. I tried a slightly different recipe for sourdough and used wholemeal flour which turned out a much better shaped loaf. My sister’s birthday is soon so we had Chinese takeaway, my least favourite so I don’t have it often. It was nice for a change but contained nuclear levels of raw onion and garlic. Yikes. Two hours solo running (not counting all the other random walkers, runners, cyclists) out along the Ridgeway this morning managed to help clear my head. I had been considering using the rest of lockdown time to work my way through the entire list of Marvel movies as I’ve only see a few but decided to save that for another time. Instead I’ve gone back to Deutschland ’83 as there are two new series that I haven’t seen yet. Three weeks-ish to go.